i'm not quite sure of details aside from this: i am attending USC in the fall. i got my admission certificate in the mail yesterday as eric, becca, daniel and i were walking back from a 2pm breakfast at long beach cafe (no exquisite sin greater than an eggs florentine omelete) and there it was. this big, awkward, envelope sticking out of my tiny, pathetic mailbox. priority mail from the university of southern california. so all i have to do in order to officially become a sociology major in less than a month is make a $300 deposit on my tuition and some other blasphemous amount for an overnight orientation session that i'd rather just ride my bike to cha cha lounge afterwards and drink myself awesome after. no word from financial aid yet so i guess i'm staying in long beach. me and the blue line go way back, anyway. and with this fixed gear thing propped against my wall, it shouldn't be too bad getting from washington and grand to jefferson and fig. who knows where this adventure will go, but i hope it's fucking somewhere good. i'm banking on the alumni factor more than the education itself since the annenberg admission committee has obviously lost their fucking minds in not wanting me.
so with this news on my shoulders, i can actually enjoy my summer of love. beach today, no work tonight, portland in three weeks and warm days to infinity and beyond!!
for those that have been in love (and i mean real love, dude) you know that that shit never REALLY goes away. it just festers, for two years, rendering you incapable of decent relationships and turning you into a fucking grandmother at twenty-one who is currently transcribing this from a paper she spent the last ten minutes hacking out of a portable manual typewriter from 1955 and listening to 'let it be' like she doesn't don't have be at work in an hour and a half. i feel like i'm taking crazy pills because i'm beginning to think morrissey had it right in his dreams last night and heaven knows how i am right now so just insert it here (for maggie mae). pretty sure i'm getting out this summer despite the fact that i have nowhere to go and everyone who is everybody is moving away to some exotic state with the (wo)man of their dreams and i'm here on my shag rug as the last soldier standing. i need to take over another part of the world. otherwise, i'm pretty sure i'm going to do something really stupid and turn my life into a romantic dramady with a lot of fucking tears. working until six am with runny eyeliner is the new black.
i was walking through ameoba yesterday, clutching "wowie zowiee" against my side, and i realized that any guy that is worth anything deep down secretly dreams of meeting his future wife while she's buying Pavement vinyl in a record store. so there's hope.
in seattle. it's gloomy. well, in bothell. but it's still gloomy. rubber toe picked us up at the airport and we ate some dick's (the sexual innuendos are endless) and forgot to buy wine and watched metalocolypse and i passed out in the fetal position in a scoop chair from the 70s (much like roberto's hair). just woke up, talked to the married lawyer about celebratory joints for when i win tennis matches and got dressed. i came completely unprepared for cold weather which leaves to ask myself what i was thinking when i packed. maybe i'm just so used to ending up in tucson that i forgot that there are thermals in the bottoms of my drawers. so i'm stuck layering a hoodie dress over a henley over an old thrice shirt. and hoping i don't take off my socks to frostbitten toes later because these cheap boots from fashion gal aren't cutting it. scott probably won't call me while i'm here which is unfortunate but probably for the best. i need coffee (i guess i'm in the right place) and my dad keeps calling me to make sure i'm going to get him some "literature" (little richard?) on the seattle underground. i think we're going out drinking tonight so huzzah to my first real vacation/trip with my best friend while i am of legal status. expect a video prehaps later.
between my graveyard shift, lax school schedule and this goddamn holiday season, i realized that if it wasn't for street sweeping, i would have no idea what day of the week it is.
i kind of actually did something for christmas this year. by way of a four foot tree, a skullphone ornament that i won at the LA Record christmas party, presents from acres of books and wacko and enough christmas lights lining my living room to lull me to sleep while i drink warm milk and honey and try to suck the warmth from the floor heater. it is finally setting in that summer is over. so i bought fred a tie and made christmas cards. you'll get one if you're lucky.
rageagainstme67: i want you to know that i really love you and that when i met you in the 10th grade that i basically framed my existence after yours and now i rock cause you rocked. boningdeadchicks: well i really love you too and you rock because you rock in your own right and i smelled the rock from across the quad when i was in 11th grade. boningdeadchicks: but also, that is the greatest compliment i have ever received.
of course the weeks surrounding my twenty first birthday are hectic. my life wouldn't have it any other way. liam was out here for three days filming two music videos last week. then the day i dropped him off at the airport (after getting in a fender bender with a marriott courtesy shuttle) i get a call from ross who was staying at the fucking marriott for the night until his flight to london in the morning. and no more than two hours after his plane took off for the motherland, lydia's landed, culminating her unnecessary three week journey to see the queen mother (and cute british boys). so, with three days left until the only birthday i'm actually going to make an effort for, i am sitting in the newsroom at school (where i've been for the last 5 and a half hours), procrastinating (or, rather, not being able to design) my very important pages (VIPs) since this and next week is production for our best of show issue which we will wear as tube top dresses when we go to washington dc at the end of the month. and i want to make sure it looks good. so all this holocaust play mumbo jumbo better come together before wednesday night because otherwise, you're not getting anything out of me until monday when we come back from vegas and i finish working my 10-6 shift on sunday night (fuck). yeah, i'm excited about finally being legal enough to do all the shit i've been doing illegally for years (i'm sure there's evidence in this livejournal somewhere since i've had it since fucking sophmore year of high school-ugh), but at the same time, i'm trying to throw the brakes on all of a sudden. i mean, there goes my youth. there goes me making people feel bad at how young i am and how much i've actually accomplished in my short time on earth. no more winking when i say "i'm 22" and take a sip of my drink at a club or bar or wherever i am. i will finally be at the age where i should be doing something with my life and i should be knowledgable and i should have my head on straight and being 20 and having my shit together just isn't good enough anymore. but, really, how could my shit be on any straighter (emotional nut-fuckery aside). i mean, aside from my editors at the district telling me that they bow down to my most recent submission (and her signing off emails with "your fan, ellen"), what more is there to say? except that i might finally start an anonymous blog so i can write about all the ridiculous shit that happens to me. between graveyard shift at harbor house and quad-weekly trips to my hometown of los angeles, there's plenty to fill.
and i think (maybe, possibly, probably, but who really fucking knows anymore, uhhh) i could prehaps, perchance be okay with liking dudes again. but wait until i somehow drunkenly confront shithead before we make this a for sure. baby steps, people. baby steps!
on thursday, i toast to somehow making it through twenty-one years. and here's to trying to live the rest to the fullest!
i got two phone calls today from people wishing me a happy mothers day because i am my own mom. both messages were from women important to me in my life and are not connected to each other. both also commended me on how strong and independent i am. i smiled, called them both back to thank them and went in for another day at the coffee shop.
this is just going to be a rambling. because there's a lot to say and i probably won't get around to saying it all. the number 33 has been following me around. from gas prices to cigarette prices to register totals to the number of murders in yesterday's shooting at virginia tech (who uses the word "charlatan" in a suicide note). i quit newbandtv at the end of february. yup. don't work there anymore. sold a bunch of stuff on ebay to make rent. rob is in australia. just up and left without paying rent for the two months he said he would. so i ran a hostel for a month or so. just didn't want to be here alone since i now live in downtown long beach and my drug dealing neighbors only moved out yesterday. all my friends bands that came through town crashed here and kept me company/partied. scenes stayed here for a week since they were recording and i turned into "mom" by the last day. so now i got a roommate. a guy from wisconsin but he only paid for 2 weeks so i don't know how much longer he'll be here. i got a job at a coffeeshop a few blocks away and it's only minimum wage but i can ride sw33t m4r13 down there and make some minimum wage action. i had a second interview at warner brother's records last week to help run their bands' street teams. i scoped some bearded indie rock white guys that live across the street. i've just been walking and riding my bike around downtown long beach, going to LA to see friends a lot and trying to keep this apartment looking good (which it is). i got a lot of emotional stuff to work through especially in the love department. who knows if that will ever get worked out. i wish i had pictures to describe the last few months, but i haven't had internet at home so i haven't been in an uploading and posting mood. not really in a picture-taking mood to be honest. i deserved this time off, though. it's been longer than i expected but i definitely needed it. i have class tonight for the newspaper. i'm writing a piece about the summer i was homeless. it should be good. maybe a chapter for my book.
let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn as thirty dialogues bleed into one
i wish the world was flat like the old days then i could travel just by folding a map no more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways there'd be no distance that can hold us back.
and for those of you that know me, this is about as true as it gets. i have managed to avoid the mall entirely the last few months and i'm really excited about that. also, i have not bought one present which is awesome because now i can actually pay for january's rent. and if you are my friend, don't get offended. if i see something i think you'll like and i have the money for it, i will buy it regardless of the time of year. and i know how my friends feel about me so presents from you are not necessary at all. i love you guys even though i have thoroughly engulfed myself in the bah humbug lifestyle.
we're pulling an all nighter at work because if the website isn't done by friday morning then we're all out of a job. and i love my job, so i don't want that to happen. so everyone's here. mostly shooting the shit in the back warehouse. there was some drinking and partying with my coworker's friends earlier, but since it's like 3 in the morning, it's just me kind of coming down from writing the FAQs for the site and getting frustrated that i can't download jpgs for some reason to get these 400 band bios done. anyway, i have tons of updates. amazing things are happening and i feel myself changing again for the better. so although my car won't start for some reason and it's parked in my driveway with no money around to fix it, i am loving what is going on otherwise. let's break it down.
--next semester, i am going to not only be writing for the el don newspaper, but they asked me to be an editor. me. sarah bennett. the girl who got published as a fluke in high school and never considered writing as a career until a few months ago when she won some nationally prestigious award. yeah, me. i'm going to be an editor for the best college newspaper in the country. i'm trying to figure something out at work where i can make time for this because i am nervous, excited and stoked and other synonyms and adjectives. --oh yeah. and i won the pacemaker award for college journalism. i mean not me personally, but the issue that won "best in show" had one of my articles about the morning after pill in it, so i technically won. i'm going to some banquet dinner tomorrow night to receive my watch and free mexican food. --also, my semester is finally over. i took too many units and stressed myself out with work and school combined. but i made it. got some great grades, got some financial aid to pay off my court shit and so next semester i think i'm just going to take it easy. only journalism classes for me. i'll still be technically going full-time but it will all be for newspaper and magazine stuff. this should be fun. and if my dad says anything else about a 4 year university, i'll hang up because he has no concept of what i am achieving sans school. or how little he achieved with school. --today, i got a promotion at work. as of tomorrow, i am officially artist relations and marketing and some other girl is coming over to do my receptionist duties. i get my own fancy desk with my own wall to decorate however i please and i get to do all my street team/myspacing/band schmoozing work from there. we're getting business cards, too. and i'm working my ass off so it's nice to feel like i got something that i deserve for once. --i paid off all my court stuff, too. and i only have two more days of community service to do. no longer will you drive down the freeway and wonder if i am one of the saps in the orange vests and hard hat picking up your trash on the side of the road. that will not be me after two weeks. i paid it off with the rest of my savings and as of the first of the year, i am no longer a criminal. i mean, a three year informal probation. that's nothing. --i have a newfound obsession with vhs tapes and i have been actively adding to my collection. i picked up mrs. doubtfire, d2: mighty ducks and beethoven's second when i went to my grandma's house for thanksgiving and i just fell back in love. i whipped out my d2 poster and my hulk poster and the spice girls and it's all just looking great. see?
i'm basically just getting into really random things that make me feel more weird than ever. and it's not cute quirks anymore. i was yelling at the seagulls the other day as if they were guys at a bar hypothetically trying to hit on me. "look, gull, i think you're a really sweet guy and all, but you're just not my type." i'm just a fucking freak and i think i'm coming to terms with everyone sort of laughing off what i say because it's easier than asking why i get so excited at the mention of charlie conway or ralph maccio. i guess i really just don't care anymore. i make myself laugh, i amuse myself and i have a blast just listening to all the funny shit i say. it's not cocky. i'd laugh if anyone else said it. rob sometimes does. and i'll give him credit where credit is due. but seriously just look at all this nonsensical shit that i do. how do i ever expect to fins someone stupid enough to marry someone that spends an hour filming themselves playing dance dance revolution alone in a 24 hour bowling alley arcade.
i also met max from a goofy movie and was obviously stoked.
i just dont' have enough or any free time. there are books i want to read, things i want to do and people i want to see. it doens't even feel like christmas time. not one bit. i'm also realizing how much california sucks around the holidays. now that i've seen snow i wonder what the point of a christmas without snow is. there isn't much of one. not only do i not have any money , but i also have no time to go shopping and no one is getting presents. i mean, i doubt i was getting presents anyway. and if anyone asked me what i wanted for christmas, i'd probably tell them "a nap".
so it's really late and i've sufficiently cleared some of my pent up news, stories and aggressions. it's just so hectic. and crazy. and hopefully we'll get a break for some holiday stuff so i can get some personal enrichment going up in this bitch. haven't been able to do that in a while. barely found time to write this huge long journal entry. much less my notebook or my prose or anything that isn't an essay or an article. i hate neglecting things (like fred savage), but it's just the nature of the businesswoman beast. i know i'll come through. it's just stressful for now. i'm going to smoke a capri mentol 120 light and go to sleep on the floor of the sound editor's office since everyone is still talking shit about my owner's wife in the back.
look, aside from being on the verge of tears the last weekend, i managed to suck it up long enough to do a day of community service and even have some fun. including making a vat of macaroni and cheese to celebrate lydia's triumph over her surgery and somehow fenaggling a homemade vaporizer with keith out of shit we bought at the home section of target. jeff and i also made a spontaneous trip to the beach before he had to go to work. just enough time to smoke and have a nice talk and catch the sunset and get stuck in traffic. then i ate sushi for the first time since i was with him. then i felt horribly obese for like three hours. and now i'm at work doing a powerpoint presentation for my speech class. i'm getting tons of shit done. i won a pacemaker award for my opinion about the morning after pill and it got me into thinking seriously about my writing as a career. and i looked into submitting stuff to alternative press because, shit, i can write better than half the schmucks getting published in that thing. my advisor said i have talent and he has no idea why they'd reject me. who knows how much he's bullshitting me but i told him i want to spend some more time there next semester and be more involved in the paper. he talked about giving me my own column. that would be sweet. anyway, i'm trying to keep busy so i dont' think about shit too much. i still haven't cried since it all went down. i can't believe it's been three months. it feels like so much longer. i'm a completely different person. more myself than i've ever been. i'm all about fun now. spontaneous, random, witty whatever the fuck i want fun. doesn't mean hooking up with randoms. doesn't mean being irresponsible. it means enjoying life for the first time in a long time and not worrying about what anyone fucking thinks about it. because one day i will find someone that loves me for all of this crazy messed up piece of shit i am. they will see the beauty in my quirks and the hilarity in my comments. and i can sit here and be depressed about alkl the good times he and i had and i can remember all the parts of our relationship i missed, but i know that i can live without them. i can appreciate what happened and move on from that chapter of my life and stop being paranoid that i'm being watched and stop getting guilt trips when i go to our old hang outs. i'm living in orange county on my own terms. throwing re-birthday parties, playing beer pong on the twins' closet door, having a blast with my friends old and new and striving to acknowledge my faults and change them. i feel great about myself for the first time in forever and i am proud of what i've been through and who i am. i think in the course of typing this i talked myself out of whatever shit i've been feeling. thanks livejournal. to celebrate the last three months, ( here are some really random pictures. )
becca and i took a week off work and drove her 93 honda all the way to colorado. i can't even begin to explain how amazing it was so i'll let the pictures ( tell you )
i'm in denver in a coffee shop called sputnik. i'm doing some work and writing an essay that i have to email to my teacher before tonight. it's gorgeous here and i've had a blast driving around the rocky mountains and hanging out in my friend's log cabin in the hills behind boulder. i'm a little homesick at the moment. wondering what on earth could change in a week without me around. i'm here because i didn't want to be left out of this trip but now i'm here and i feel left out of my life. i have these gaywad insecurities and i'm just scared things won't be the same when i come home. i miss the twins, tara, lydia, middle earth, muffins and newbandtv. and i hope they miss me too. i'll be back on sunday, but who's counting?
